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Sunday, December 26, 2010

In this moment....

It is post Christmas 2010. Ok just 45 minutes outside of the big day and here I am before I close my eyes reflecting on the day.

My 1st official day of being 40 and I had to honestly ask myself...Am I perimenopausal or something? I woke up and before my coffee was stirred I was crying...My kids opened Santa and as I watched them I held back tears to the point my jaw was quivering. I exploded with sobbing tears as I took my hot shower and looked in the mirror and asked? WHAT is going on here?

As I prepared to leave for my Christmas AM ritual of 40 years of heading to the farm I again could not turn off the pouring faucet of tears. My mascara was everywhere and at one point I was caught by my daughter and had no explanation... I just took a deep breathe and prayed... I am so happy, so blessed to be having a special Christmas and here I am acting almost depressed. Do I need medication? Am I depressed? What IS WRONG...

As Lynn drove me closer to the farm I cried harder and when we pulled into my grandparents driveway I knew immediatly what was wrong...

I missed my Grandfather.

For 40 years I spent Christmas mornings eating with my grandfather and more than anything I could walk into the living room and there he woould heart would just melt when I would get that precious wink and smile...This year,  I walked in and there at the table was my little Eva....her eyes puffy and red as she had of course been crying as well!

As she and I looked at each other we immediatly sensed each others pain and we held each other. Then I told was like I could hear him say right then and there in a rough matter of fact voice say..."Quit that crying. What are you crying about girls?" - "Look around here" "Appreciate each other and get on with it...."

A sense of peace crossed my body as I held ber...I did finally quit crying.

Now as I reflect I know that I am not the only one that shed a tear today for a loved one loss...

I pray for you and I ask you to do the same for me...

In memory of Roscoe Register Ward....I miss you.


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